6 Reasons Why Your Child Tells I Don’t Know — When They Do

Have you ever been in a conversation with your child (tweens and teen included), and you find yourself getting frustrated with them because they can’t tell you their reason for doing what they did. The say, “I don’t know.” Suddenly, you feel like you’re in the Twilight Zone. Cue the music.

Original photo taken by author

The truth is there are many reasons why kids say they don’t know. Here are the top 6:

1. They really don’t know. Their brains are still developing. Although they have the physical coordination and the smart phone to do what they did, their prefrontal cortex is still developing. Research shows that this part of their brain does not fully develop until mid- to late twenties.
2. They don’t want to tell you because they “already know what you are going to say.” They can predict what you will say. But it’s not enough to keep them from doing what they want to do in the moment. They’re testing some limits, and that’s part of developing a healthy sense of self.
3. They are genuinely afraid to tell you why. They do not feel emotionally safe. It’s not too late to create emotional safety. You may have to soften your tone, facial expression, and body language. But it can be done. Your child could also be highly sensitive and lack the confidence to know they are safe in expressing their more intense emotions.
4. They don’t want to disappoint you. So, they say they don’t know because saying they don’t know is far easier than disappointing you. They want you to be proud of them. Assure them they are loved unconditionally by you.
5. They fear being misunderstood because they have not learned what to do with misunderstanding. They also don’t have the life experience to know that being misunderstood is not the end of the world. So, not knowing what to do with feeling misunderstood while feeling misunderstood can feel uncomfortable and uncertain. We help them with self-understanding by listening, talking, and listening more.
6. Kids fear what their actions will say about them. Some kids are clear on why they did what they did, but they are not ready to admit that they made a certain decision because of how they see themselves. Maybe there is an incongruence between who they say they are, who they think they are, and why they do what they do. This one can be mind-blogging. Don’t lose heart. Helping them to get curious about their core self-beliefs and their actions can reduce fear.

So, instead of getting frustrated and yelling, “what was the reason?!” get curious.

Get Curious

Source: simplypsychology.org

You can look at the pyramid above with them and have them point out which level they were trying to meet. You can also say something along the lines of, “I saw/heard that you (said action). I’m curious to know more about your thought process.” Let them speak freely. If they need a little guidance ask any of the below questions. You can also ask, “What were you trying to accomplish?”

Were they trying to satisfy a basic need?

Were they seeking a need for safety or security?

Were they seeking to satisfy a need for love, friendship, belonging, friendship, or inclusion?

Were they seeking respect, status, freedom, independence, recognition, or strength?

Stay open to your child surprising you with new information.

Were they seeking a desire to be the best that they could be?

Remember to validate that you see them and love them regardless of their reasons for doing what they did.

Remember to validate that you see them and love them regardless of their reasons for doing what they did. Simply state, “let’s hear more” or “say more about that.” When you say, “let’s hear more,” both you and your child are listening to what they are saying. It helps their sense of self-understanding, which integrates the different regions of their brains. As you listen with an open heart, you will help them and you understand what’s happening. Verify what you hear them saying with the statement, “So I hear you saying…Am I hearing you correctly?”

Let them correct you if you’re wrong. Love them while they open their heart and mind to you. They will appreciate you for seeking to understand them instead of jumping to conclusions and making assumptions.

Original photo taken by author

As adults, we also behave in ways to meet our needs and desires. Think about it. If you’re hungry, you may eat every snack in sight until you satisfy your hunger. Or you may make a whole meal and eat some veggies while you cook. But the need you are satisfying is hunger. If you have a need for status, freedom, respect, or strength, you will behave in certain ways to get those needs met. The key here is to help kids understand their reason and not induce shame. We, as adults, don’t always go about getting our needs met in the right way. Let us give our children the truth and grace we receive as we grow with them.

We, as adults, don’t always go about getting our needs met in the right way. Let us give our children the truth and grace we receive as we grow with them.

As a Kids’ Life Coach, I constantly seek to see my students’ world and their decisions from their eyes. When I do this, I replace negative judgement with discernment. I also create the space for them to make some mental connections between meeting their needs and behaving in a certain way. When they recognize the connection between their needs, their wants, and their behaviors, they have an opportunity to decide how they want to proceed (that is, behave) to meet their needs.

Sign up for your free consultation today if you’d like assistance with any of the points in this resource. Check out Tell Me You Love Me Without Telling Me You Love Me to enrich your conversations with your child.

I bless you. I want the best for you. You’ll read from me again soon.

Sincerely,

Ashley